Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.