if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
WTF IS THAT!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.