if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
What?!?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.