@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

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@Cpin42

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

@squirrel74wkgn

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

@SoulYodeler

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

@sofarrsogud

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@HowToBeADad

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST