My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie