*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
this is the best interaction on twitter
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.