If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Just why bro?!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
when mom throws a party…
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no