If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.