Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

my astrological sign is a french fry

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.