Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

This was the best day of my life

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.