I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!
Me: thanks God!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*
CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh, OK.
*slowly repacks trolley*
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.