If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?