If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I unironically love this joke.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.