Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can fix him.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Just ordered me some pizza!

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity