Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Swedish for common sense.