Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

I’m not lazy

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.