Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

honestly, i need both:

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.