If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.