If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Yup.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.