If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
How wrong was this guy?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.