If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”