If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
#MeanwhileInCanada
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular