Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Only short people can save us

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.