If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You Might Also Like
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
🍞🦆
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds