If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”