If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.