Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Can. I. Help. You.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.