If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
bro what is going on at twitter
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.