if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Ken is short for chicken
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.