If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.