Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great