If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
technically true but not a great slogan
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.