If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
This is true.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Your proctologist called. He found your head.