If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Genius.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Be the reason someone burns sage.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.