Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.