If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
You Might Also Like
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.