If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
What my back needs
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him