If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
the prophecies have been fulfilled
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers