If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m too immature for adultery.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.