If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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okay run it by me one more time
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*