@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

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@ADHDeanASL

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

@junejuly12

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@WheelTod

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

@BigJDubz

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

@nursemella

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@MooseAllain

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

@TheBoydP

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out