If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone