If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
You Might Also Like
An odd boast
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Only a mother’s love …
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
What my back needs
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks