If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?