If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Morning all.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”