If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Important
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
set yourself free xox
