If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

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Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”


[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”


HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”


Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.


Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers


Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?


My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”


The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.


My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away