@Steelers1972

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

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@ssholeEric

Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”

@david8hughes

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@TaleSagaLore

Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
3)Ninja
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers

@iLikeCatShirts

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

@12ozCourage

The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.

@casey_csaszar

My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away