If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

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I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*


[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water


Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.


What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.


My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.


I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.