If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either