If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.