@Satan_____

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

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@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

@ThugRaccoons

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

@joshuadun

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@coolauntV

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?