If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.