If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

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2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth


Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome


Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes


My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”


I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.


If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.


due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police


I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.





me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]


[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?