if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
2022: I can fix it
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead