if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
You Might Also Like
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”