if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.