“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
