“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When someone says you are so lazy
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
True.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
B
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep