Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.