Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

SQUARREL

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*