Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song