If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
You Might Also Like
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.