If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Golf would be better with landmines.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.