Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

i hate you platonically

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.