“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Broom by every window for quick escape.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
What flavor cupcake are these
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Meow
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?