Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.