If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Breaking news:
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars