If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]