Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses