If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
By Kate Hatos
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”