If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Breaking news:
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Some of y’all tomorrow …
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.