If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
You Might Also Like
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant