“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.