If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that