@geekysteven

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

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@UncleDuke1969

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

@TuSoonShakur

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@iwearaonesie

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@SteveSuckington

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@manda_tee1

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.