Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

crying

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?