If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
