If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
🤣
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok