Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

beware of dog

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.