If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.
You Might Also Like
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point